Christmas, and survival

Christmas 2016

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."  So says Dickens at the opening of A Tale of Two Cities. So appears 2016 in retrospect.

Incredible things have happened for me. In March I completed the Two Oceans Ultramarathon in Cape Town from the Atlantic Ocean to the Indian Ocean and back again, with my son and two great friends. It was very exciting witnessing my son turn into an endurance athlete! How strong he has become! In May, I attended the 50th anniversary of my high school graduation in Ireland. It was such a strange but wonderful feeling meeting so many people after 50 years. Time changes us. I would have walked past all of them on the street without recognizing them! I also had exciting travels in South Africa, Mozambique, Ireland, France and Spain. 

Unhappily, dreadful things have happened for me too. Cancer reared its ugly head again and I have had to struggle once more to stay ahead of it. Much more painful, if you can imagine, was my wife's decision to leave our 44 year relationship. I had sensed for some time a growing disrespect and it turned into something that looked and felt like scorn and derision in the fall. We have now been separated for a few months. 

While this separation made me very ill at first, in many dangerous ways, I am recovering quickly and now I believe I will be a much happier person than before. I believe in myself. I have so many fabulous and loyal friends. Life is filled with potential. By this time next year my metamorphosis will have taken shape.

Here's wishing all those who visit this blog a very happy Christmas and may 2017 be full of love and peace for you. 

 

Closure

Two stories intertwine and end here. Neither is happy but we must carry on.

I have a new tumour which has grown quickly. Today I will have it radiated and that should be the end of it. Since it is right beside the tumour that caused me so much pain a year ago, that tumour will be radiated also. I hope for no serious collateral damage. One of them touches the bowel, which does not like radiation, and both touch the right kidney, which also does poorly with radiation. I must place my trust in the expertise of others. 

In the other tragic story, my married life is quite suddenly over, after 44 years of bliss. I live alone, with a broken heart for company. I cannot remember not being married so this journey will be difficult. I discovered over the past two months how very "married" my mind and soul were to my life partner so coming to terms with the devastating loss has been the hardest thing I have ever done, much more challenging and dangerous than living with cancer. 

 Now I need time on my own, in peace and quiet, to figure out what shape the future might take. So, I am leaving tomorrow. Please do not watch this space as it will take a long while I think. Thank you for all of your loving kindness and compassion over the years. This blog has provided me a comfortable, safe place to keep my friends informed of my peculiar story. I am blessed with deep friendships and they have sustained me. Email me at deaconnigel@gmail.com if you would like to be in contact in the meantime. Forever peace and endless love. 

Thanksgiving 2016

This is Thanksgiving Day 2016. Exactly 41 years ago today, I arrived in Canada with my life partner, (we met and married in Zambia), to be met by all immediate members of her family at Vancouver Airport. What a happy day! 

This Thanksgiving is very different. My life partner of 43 years has decided to end our marriage and move away. On November 1 we will no longer be together. I have no words to describe the complete dissolution of my life so will not struggle to find them. It is what it is.

I have cancer scans on October 16 and 18 and promise to let my friends know here how that story goes. I believe that will be the end of my blog until I reestablish some new kind of existence which I cannot even imagine now.

I am grateful for so many years of joy. I feel my life with my partner by my side has been beautiful.  Peace and love, Nigel

Singing bowls in the sky

Today is an especially portentous day. I dropped Louise off at the hospital for her second hip replacement earlier and then stopped by Health Records at the Cancer Agency to see if my MRI report had perchance arrived. And indeed it had. I simply could not believe my eyes when I learned that all of my tumours had shrunk by 10%+. In addition, no new tumours have appeared. I still need to get the images to Philadelphia for a second opinion as sometimes they can see new tumours when others cannot, and they have always proved right too.

Nevertheless, I am in cautiously celebratory mood as I look ahead and see only sunny days. This is a magical moment on my most peculiar journey. My gratitude extends infinitely to all those who support me, medically, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am indeed bowed in reverence. This earth is perfect in every way. Thank you for this perfect moment when everything and nothing is possible. For some inexplicable reason I can hear intermittent sonorous reverberations, as if from a giant Tibetan singing bowl in the sky. Peace and love.

Granada

Granada is a smallish Spanish city in the deep south of the country. Its crown jewel is the Alhambra, site of the remains of the great Muslim civilization that thrived there from 1250 to 1490. At one time, it held sway over much of Spain. Its troops reached as far as Poitiers in France as Muslim power moved ever north. This is a defining moment in European history.

The Alhambra now has been greatly, and sometimes controversially, restored and is a designated World Heritage site. The rather stark palace built by Charles V to mark in stone Christianity's triumph over Islam, guards the hilltop against any new incursions! Still, the visitor can summon up the beautiful life of the ancient Muslim culture of Andalusia, renowned for its architecture and refined living. There is much evidence of its advanced science, art and learning. All of that ended as the last Sultan handed over the beautiful hilltop palaces in September 1492. The subsequent persecution of Muslims has defined in many ways the Europe of today.  We have cause to reflect on history and how it repeats itself as we watch news of the millions of Muslims who would currently like to shelter in Europe as war, often precipitated by the west,  destroys their homes and families. Many times in Europe I heard intimations that Europe is not for Muslims and barricades seem to be up in defense of a Christian Europe that no longer exists except in people's minds. How will it all resolve?

Here is a taste of the exquisite lines of symmetry and the delightful decoration....

Barcelona

This large city in the north east of Spain enjoys a lovely Mediterranean climate and for a long time has enjoyed more prosperity than the rest of Spain. Its wealth is based on industry and trade and the extraordinary treasure of architecture from 1890 to 1920 is testament to a flowering of both wealth and power at that time. The city found itself on the wrong side of history at the start of the civil war and suffered a great deal as a result.

There is a strange undercurrent of political unhappiness in the city at belonging to Spain. The people see themselves as Catalan over the centuries and from time to time there is a strong expression of the desire to be an independent country. For the most part Spain has managed this tension by according the region autonomy to run its own affairs. The independence is evident every day in the widespread use of Catalan as the language of business and society in general. It can be confusing for the visitor who is trying to cobble together some Spanish for communication purposes! Beyond that, it is hard to see why in this day and age Spain would be splitting up into smaller units at a time when we seem to be removing rather than building borders, especially in Europe.

There is a lovely relaxed vibe in the city too though and the gentle climate lends itself to much outdoor sipping of coffee and wine and the cuisine is delicious. The modernist architecture best defined by Antoni Gaudi, particularly in the Sagrada Familia, still abuilding, attracts visitors in their thousands daily. What a great place for a holiday!

This was my favourite Gaudi building - La Pedrera

Ireland

I spent the first two weeks of June in Ireland. It afforded me the opportunity to visit with relatives who live there and visit the home of my ancestors. Irish people are invariably friendly and it is always a pleasure to visit.

The major reason for the timing of my visit was for the fiftieth anniversary of my completion of high school in Kilkenny College. It was an amazing experience for me to meet again all those people that I had spent six years with from 1960 to 1966. Surprisingly, almost every single person who could have returned did so. Because it was a boy's boarding school, the experience was very intense at the time. I was fairly unhappy with conditions in the school but applied myself to my studies and that provided me with the stepping stones to fulfilling many of my dreams. While I would have walked past all of my fellow students on the street after so many years apart, we quickly broke down the barriers of separation and time and had a splendid weekend talking animatedly about our school experiences. Three wonderful people had done all of the organizing over a period of more than a year and they must certainly be very proud of their efforts.

Kilkenny College has a very long history. Its first iteration was as the Vicars Choral in 1234, just three years after the incorporation of the city of Kilkenny. The college was formally named Kilkenny College in 1538. It has had several locations as the years passed. At certain times it was a school for Ireland's intelligentsia and at others languished for historical reasons as the tides of Irish history washed over it. In my day it was a small boarding school for the children of Protestants who had remained in the province of Leinster after Irish independence. We had an occasional Dubliner, banished to the country for errant behaviour no doubt! There was even one boy from colonial Africa.
The school was at that time housed in a beautiful Georgian building dating from 1712. The building has survived as the home of Kilkenny City Council but the school has moved and is now thriving in a newly prosperous Ireland in a beautiful rural setting just outside the city. Restoration has given the old school a more elegant sheen than I remember!

Latest cancer news

On Tuesday of this week, I picked up the report of my recent PET scan. For the most part, the news is excellent. All tumours except one are stable or shrinking. One of the new ones, first noted in October of last year, has grown by 4 mm since January. This is considered slow growth. It may well be that it will be stable next time I have imaging done. Most significantly, no new tumours have been identified.

It seems that immunotherapy continues to protect me. I am extremely grateful. The side effects of the recently completed treatment are receding except for bouts of fatigue. I can easily manage that! The suffering has been well worth it.

On Tuesday next I return to the storied land of my ancestors to meet the young people that I finished high school with fifty years ago exactly! This will be amazing and interesting! I will be home in Victoria on June 15. Peace and love to all readers from sunny Victoria where summer has arrived very early!

Bazaruto Archipelago

A few days of bright warm sun on perfect beaches, no one else around, warm crystal clear water to swim in - what a way to finish a celebratory month in Africa.

I am on the edge of Africa, the middle coast of Mozambique. I was last in Mozambique a few weeks after the end of the bitter and protracted war of liberation that brought Samora Machel to power in 1975. What a strange time it was as my young wife and I travelled through towns where hotels and restaurants had simply been abandoned by their owners who had decided to flee to Portugal. I clearly remember hitchhiking back from Swaziland and being picked up in the dark by Frelimo soldiers who delivered us safely to our pension in Maputo. It did not occur to us to be fearful. Youth is a strange protection. 

Vilanculos is a small fishing village 700 kilometres north of Beira. It is the access point for the exquisite Bazaruto Archipelago, a paradise of sand islands, aquamarine waters, warm ocean and idyllic balmy temperatures year round. More recently, some of the islands have become the home of uber-exclusive resorts that host the obscenely wealthy who are flown in by helicopter from the tiny local airport. 

I was able to ignore that as I walked the beaches, swam and snorkelled in the warm waters and relaxed for a few days before returning to my real life. The colours are seductive and magical. The people are gentle and welcoming. It would be very difficult not to relax here! 

The long journey home starts today.

Kruger Park

For six days I have been living amongst the wild life of Africa. Kruger Park is a very large conservation area along the eastern border of South Africa with Mozambique and the wildlife has been studied and managed for over a hundred years. It is entirely in the lowveld but vegetation varies greatly, especially from north to south. 

When I lived in Swaziland I used to bring my son here as often as possible as he loved the excitement of animal spotting. The accommodations are very simple but perfectly comfortable. They have not changed at all in the intervening years. I booked a stay in Satara Rest Camp, in the middle of the park, and Lower Sabie, on the banks of the Sabie River in the south of the park. 

Wild life abounds everywhere. Particularly if you are also interested in the colourful and varied bird life, there is always something to watch. Within a few hours, one can see the Big 5, as inveterate game chasers might say, but there is a lot more than that to see.

Last night, on a game drive, we came across a fresh kill of a large wild buffalo, hunted down by five young male lions. Before they establish their own territories, they cooperate in groups to bring down larger animals. The dead buffalo's head lay right out on the road and the lions were busy tearing into their prey. As the buffalo hide is thick there are only two entry points, the anus and the belly. The animals were in clear view as they feasted, growling as they gnawed, and we could smell the raw red meat, accentuated by digestive gases as the stomach was punctured with a loud long hiss.

For all our daily attempts to be civilized, refined and polite, it is at these moments that one comes face to face with the real story of survival. We do what we have to do to survive. We too are animals, with a strong survival urge, even as we busy our minds with all of the stuff of modern life. For many people on the planet, finding something to fill one's stomach is more important than the acquisition and hoarding of possessions and wealth. 

This has been an amazing revisit to an incredible location. Come to savour and enjoy if you can.

The Garden Route

I have just spent a week exploring this beautiful part of South Africa.  The stark cliffs, surging surf, sea mists, endless beaches, remote wilderness and cozy seaside communities, excellent food and a plethora of comfortable accommodations, make for a perfect holiday. Animals and birds abound. Local people of all colours are friendly and helpful.

  The Garden Route wends its away along roughly 200 kilometres of shoreline from Mossel Bay in Western Cape to Jeffrey's Bay in Eastern Cape. Every manner of activity is available, from hiking through serious game viewing to skydiving. One can indulge in relaxing pursuits or extreme adventure according to your energy and predilection. The climate is kind all year round and sunshine is never far away. Much of the area is under conservation and the Indian Ocean is very beautiful in all its moods.

Travel here if you can for an unforgettable holiday!

Triumph!

Yesterday, the impossible became possible. With help from my incredibly supportive team, I had a fabulous run in the world's most beautiful ultramarathon, the Two Oceans Ultra, from Cape Town south to the Indian Ocean, across the Cape peninsula and along the stunning Chapman's Peak road carved out of a cliff high above the Atlantic Ocean, then back high over Constantia Nek and through a fragrant forest back into Cape Town. The course is scenically stunning and good fortune provided us with an unusually cool day, with early rain, winds gusting to 55 kilometres an hour to cool us further, tremendous enthusiastic crowds to urge us on and an atmosphere of plentiful hope and courage. 

We had all spent months preparing for the rigours of a long distance race and on the day we had no trouble completing the challenge. My wildest dream had been to complete the 56 kilometres in just under 6 hours in order to win a bronze medal. As we came in together, we couldn't believe the clock with our gun time of 5:44:44. We know that if you apply yourself to the training, the event becomes possible. There is only one way to prepare, by doing the necessary work. Shortcuts for athletes inevitably lead to disaster. However, this particular feat is especially important, coming at a time of struggle and angst in my life. The race is balm to my soul.

And now we have time and inclination to celebrate. Tomorrow we head out along the world famous Garden Route, lush, forested, full of gorgeous beaches and friendly villages. Thence my sister and I head for Kruger Park and some serious game viewing, followed by a few magical days in the tropical paradise of Mozambique's east coast. 

If you wish to make a gift to my lifesaving team, please visit https://www.lghfoundation.com/projects/nigel-deacons-two-oceans-gratitude-support-oncology-at-lgh/

Because I am travelling, I have not been able keep up with the thank yous to those beautiful people who have contributed so generously to my fund raising but I will catch up as soon as I reach home. You have all warmed my heart and will warm the hearts of others.

Soon enough, I will return to the reality of cancer treatment. This has been medicine for the soul of a different but very effective sort. Peace and love from the Mother City.

Africa

What special joy to be back in Africa! Africa is the most beautiful of continents, for certain the original Garden of Eden! We are all from here and it is a perfect homecoming.

I was greeted by unseasonal and very heavy rain on St. Patrick's Day as I arrived bleary eyed from the long trip. The rain made everyone happy, quite the opposite from our Western world! There has been serious drought here and rain equates with life and new beginnings. It is essential to the cultivation of food crops. Out of season rain is an extraordinary gift.

My son is in the air today and should arrive tomorrow. He will be so excited to be back in the continent where he grew up. Marcus is also in the air and will arrive in Africa tomorrow for the first time ever! Peter is already in Kruger Park enjoying wildlife that cannot be seen anywhere else in the world. He has not been in Africa before either. Thank you Africa for being the only continent, apart from unpopulated Antarctica, not to kill all its animals as settlement occurs. It was the first settled continent, making this achievement even more remarkable. There must be environmentalists all over the continent!

Saturday is Race Day! The excitement builds! My sister, who arrived from New Zealand yesterday,  and I head for beautiful Cape Town on Thursday. This will be a very challenging course, with two serious mountains in the second half of the course. How will it feel to summon up the energy to get up and over and down to the finish line after 56 kilometres? I must not think too much about it yet. I run the risk of burning up my energy in worrying about it! It will be a fabulous day!

My race number is 50337.

RACE DAY TRACKING: Follow the progress of friends and family on Race Day, and view your finish time and results, by downloading the RaceTec app from iTunes or Google Play.

If you wish to make a gift to my lifesaving team, please visit https://www.lghfoundation.com/projects/nigel-deacons-two-oceans-gratitude-support-oncology-at-lgh/

Giving thanks

 Yesterday I received infusion 3 of 4. The final infusion will wait until I return from Africa. So, provided I get a good call from my oncologist about my CT scan last Friday, the coast is clear! I can set out on a huge adventure next Tuesday!  Two Oceans, here I come!  My son will run with me. My New Zealand sister will cheer me along! Two very good friends will also run with me. I am busy making lots of new friends too!

 I am so grateful to the Lion's Gate Clinic for treating me when the BC Cancer Agency could not. At the clinic, I am always impressed by the compassion and care that patients enjoy. This is indeed a place of healing. To celebrate my good luck in being able to attempt an ultramarathon while in the midst of treatment, and to reward this outstanding clinic for their culture of solace and mercy, I am inviting my friends to make a donation to the Lion's Gate Foundation to be used by the oncology section to improve care of patients. You will all know friends or family who have been affected by a cancer diagnosis. It changes everything. Things are never the same. Lion's Gate is dedicated to making it better. Give if you can and want to. Just click below.  As always, I have no expectations. Peace and love, Nigel


  https://www.lghfoundation.com/projects/nigel-deacons-two-oceans-gratitude-support-oncology-at-lgh/

The team just heading out in darkness for the 35 mile run on the weekend!

Happy news!

Everything is going my way, maybe!

On February 12, Dr. Paton, ocular oncologist, removed the radiation cataract caused by radiation to my right eye in 2010. The operation was a huge success. The difference in my vision is stunning and delightful!

On February 15, I had my second infusion of ipilimumab. I am already at the half way mark on this new journey! I return to Victoria full of hope.

On February 13 my friends gathered to celebrate the upcoming adventure! The Two Oceans Ultramarathon is now only 40 days away! I can taste the start line! I have no thoughts yet about the finish line!

Yipi!

Tomorrow I leave Victoria early in the  morning, drive to Nanaimo and catch the mid-morning ferry to North Vancouver. At 1.30 pm, I receive my fist infusion of this third immunotherapy treatment. I know how lucky I am and thank my lucky stars. I believe I am the first ocular melanoma patient in Canada to receive a third line treatment. I know of one person in the States who has gone through it. Her cancer is now stable again. Fingers crossed. Thanks in advance for your kind thoughts and good wishes. I promise to keep you posted as we move along. Peace and love, Nigel

A new beginning

No doesn't always mean just that! With the persuasive power of the incredible team at Lion's Gate Hospital, and Save Your Skin Foundation, whose founder has been a rock of support for me, and my absolute refusal to accept that this is the end, Bristol-Myers Squibb, makers of ipilimumab, have decided to provide another round of treatment for me. I got this stunning news yesterday. I hope to begin treatment as soon as possible, perhaps within two weeks. While the treatment is not easy, it may lead to some more beautiful times on this planet. I will keep you posted.

While I undergo this 12 week course of treatment, I must also get ready for the Two Oceans Ultramarathon on March 26 in Cape Town. It's good to be busy and focussed! 

Peace and love, Nigel

Happy New Year!

Here we are launching into another year, full of possibilities and promises. Our human weakness often unnecessarily prevents us from aspiring to be better, stronger or happier people. The reality is that we can be as strong as our courage and as happy as our capacity to feel it.

I start the year on a precipice. My cancer, ever a threat, reactivated in the fall of 2015. It seems to want to progress rapidly. The BC Cancer Agency, which has helped me enormously in the past, has suddenly cut off my access to therapy. I accept that my care has been expensive and I suppose we have a ledger somewhere.

I will find a way to get to a better place. I remind myself that I registered for hospice 3 years ago this month. I did not give up hope then. In June of that year I ran 87 kilometres while climbing 6000 feet up into the hills of KwaZulu Natal in the Comrades Ultramarathon. And so it will be in 2016. 

I wish all of my family and friends a very happy 2016 and I hope to connect in person or online with each of you.

Wishing you peace, joy and love, Nigel

 

From our beautiful paradise on the west coast: